


unfinished lyrics

by lottie_reads



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-30 01:27:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21419917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lottie_reads/pseuds/lottie_reads
Summary: Kihyun couldn’t remember when he started seeing Hoseok differently.
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	unfinished lyrics

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this story in the summer of 2018 - I had varying levels of motivation to actually write but come February 2019 I had lost all motivation. It has remained unfinished since.
> 
> I didn't think I was ever going to post it (the perfectionist inside wouldn't let me) but come recent events, I didn't want to leave it to gather dust in my laptop any longer.
> 
> I'm not sure I'll ever finish it so please bear that in mind if you do choose to read it.
> 
> The title really has nothing to do with the content but rather how I feel about Hoseok and Monsta X currently - there is unfinished business
> 
> I don't really expect anyone to read this given the situation, but, thank you if you do.

Kihyun couldn’t remember when he started seeing Hoseok differently. He wasn’t blind, he knew he was attractive, as were all of his members, but one day, that Kihyun couldn’t quite place in his memories, he started to notice Hoseok more.

Kihyun began to really notice.

What Kihyun could remember however, was the way in which he noticed more and more about his member. What at first seemed to be simply taking in his beauty, soon turned to long stares and moments of fixation in which Kihyun appeared completely unable to tear his gaze from the elder.

It was small things that Kihyun began noticing first, like the sharp incline of Hoseok’s jaw or the way that his ears jutted out from his face, making him appear cuter than his bulky body might suggest. As time progressed however, Kihyun began noticing more and more. Kihyun noted that every time Hoseok laughed, he would manage to lift the spirits of everyone in the room. He noticed the way that Hoseok smiled, all teeth, his top lip disappearing ever so slightly.

Kihyun noticed the way that Hoseok would sacrifice sleep, just to get that one part of a song finished and perfect. Kihyun noticed the way that Hoseok put all of his spare energy, which lacked due to their busy schedules, into maintaining his toned and muscular body. Kihyun noticed the way in which Hoseok would be deeply affected by comments about his eating habits, senseless people telling him he ate too much.

Kihyun noticed that when golden hour hit, and the rays of light that would hit Hoseok’s features, the way the sun would brighten his honey skin and make his eyes sparkle. Kihyun noticed the way that Hoseok would swipe his top lip with his tongue after every sip of water. Kihyun noticed the way that Hoseok’s Adam’s apple would bop when he was nervous.

Kihyun noticed the veins that littered Hoseok’s arms after an intense workout, the way he then resembled the statue of a Greek god. Kihyun noticed the sweat that would roll down from Hoseok’s brow and they way that his chest rose from his laboured breath after a long dance practice.

Kihyun began to notice too much.

Kihyun couldn’t remember when he had become infatuated with his fellow member but he had eventually become aware of it. Aware of it and terrified.

Kihyun knew that growing up he hadn’t thought of girls in the way that his classmates would. Kihyun knew that, when he had kissed girls, he hadn’t enjoyed it. Kihyun knew that when he kissed a boy for the first time, in his last year of high school, he had felt so ashamed of how much he _had_ enjoyed the way the boy tasted on his lips.

Kihyun knew, that as a result of this, he intended to keep his feelings hidden for as long as possible. Kihyun knew that as soon as he began feeling what he had felt all those years ago, kissing a boy, for one of his members, that his only option was to abort mission. Kihyun’s only option, it seemed, was to supress his feelings and never let them see the light of day. No one could ever know, especially not Hoseok. The thoughts he had for the elder, had the potential to ruin careers and Kihyun was in no position to let that happen.

They were all gathered in a stuffy waiting room, the heat of summer had finally arrived and no matter how many windows were open, or how ever many fans were pointed towards their face, could they escape the stifling heat. Their makeup seemed to be melting off their faces and the stylists were beginning to get increasingly frustrated as time went on.

Hyunwoo, Jooheon and Changkyun were in a corner, all huddled around a tiny smartphone screen monitoring the rehearsal they had just completed. Hyungwon, who was sat on the opposite side of the room, seemed to be extremely occupied by the packet of crisps that sat on his lap, while Minhyuk sat to his right scrolling through their mentions on twitter.

Kihyun in the meantime, sat all too focused on the way that Hoseok puckered his lips for the makeup artist who, with a dainty brush, applied a slightly reddish tint to his lips. The light that streamed in through the open window reflected off the mirror and caught the glossy substance being applied to Hoseok’s lips and they glistened. Kihyun was all but mesmerised. He was so entranced by the way the gloss made Hoseok’s lips seem fuller that he completely missed Minhyuk calling for him from the other side of the room.

As Hoseok began to remove himself from the chair he was sat in, Kihyun regained his focus on the whole room and whipped his head around to the sound of Minhyuk’s call, that he could now hear getting louder and louder.

“What? God, you don’t have to be so loud.” Kihyun huffed. His attention now fully on Minhyuk, Hoseok a distant thought.

“You should pay attention to me when I want it then. What’s got you so distracted?”

“Nothing.” Kihyun answered all too quickly. Minhyuk gave him an incredulous look but continued anyway.

“Anyway, as I was going to say, we’re on in about 45 minutes so you might want to think about eating something. You’ve been sat in that one spot with your head in the clouds for too long.” Kihyun grunts, but complies regardless.

He moves from his spot on the sofa to the table that is littered with food packets from brands he had never heard of before. Despite the toll of a world tour, Kihyun found comfort in the small things, like discovering all the snacks that seemed most popular in each new country. Kihyun plucked a packet of Lays from the table and tried to decipher the Spanish on the front using the picture as a kind of visual cue, unfortunately still unable to guess what ‘receta campesina’ could mean.

Lost in thought about the crisps he was eating, Kihyun failed to notice the body that sat itself in the chair adjacent to him. Kihyun faintly registered a shuffling noise before he felt a body press up against the arm that was hanging by his side. Turning his head to identify the body was seemingly a mistake as Kihyun was greeted with Hoseok’s face all too close to his. Kihyun flinched slightly as his brain registered the proximity, his gaze then suddenly settling on Hoseok’s features, his prominent nose catching Kihyun’s attention the most. It was crinkled slightly, as if Hoseok was trying to concentrate on something, it was beyond adorable to Kihyun and he felt his heart jump ever so slightly in his chest. At his hearts sudden reaction, Kihyun managed to pull his gaze away from Hoseok’s face and regained his composure only just.

“What are you eating Ki?” Hoseok asked, adjusting his voice so the ‘Ki’ came out half a pitch higher.

“Crisps I guess,” Kihyun replied nonchalantly, trying to hide the tremor in his voice that threatened to spill with Hoseok so close. “Not sure what flavour, but they taste good.”

Hoseok hummed in acknowledgement before reaching into the packet that Kihyun had open. They continued to eat in silence for some time before they were called to be mic’d up, Hoseok leaving first allowing Kihyun to finally breath for the first time since Hoseok had sat down with him.

Kihyun had had crushes on men before. He knew what it felt like, how his body reacted when he had a crush. Never before however, had Kihyun had a crush on someone who was always in such close proximity at all times.

Kihyun had successfully managed to supress every crush he had had previously, but Hoseok being so close all the time made that an extremely difficult job. It had gotten to the point where trying to hide his feelings had become painful for Kihyun. Not only that, but Hoseok was his friend. The idea that Kihyun’s feelings had the capacity to ruin years of friendship terrified Kihyun, but also spurred on his belief that his feelings had to be crushed.

Every time Kihyun so much as looked at Hoseok, he had to remind him self that ‘he is your friend, your colleague’ and that everything that he felt, everything that he dreamt of when he stared at Hoseok for just a little bit too long, was an impossible pipe dream, never to be achieved. Kihyun came to realise however, that his own thoughts were not the only thing making it increasingly difficult to supress his feelings, but Hoseok himself.

Hoseok by nature, seemed to gravitate toward Kihyun, seemed comforted by subtle touches. Kihyun often found himself with Hoseok pressed slightly up against his side, or his knuckles gingerly brushing against Kihyun’s own. This would have been fine if it was any other member, Kihyun often seeking the comfort of Minhyuk’s touches, platonic touches that made Kihyun feel loved, like he had a family. But when Hoseok came into contact with Kihyun, he burned. Not the burn that is often recited in romance novels, that makes a person tingle with excitement, but a burn that seemed to sear its way down to the bone, that made Kihyun feel uncomfortable in his own skin. Every touch slowly tortured Kihyun, killed him just that little bit more.

Kihyun took this as a sign to retreat. Pulled himself away when Hoseok came near, stepped out of touches, avoided Hoseok like he was the plague. Instead, Kihyun focused all of his energy into practice, into his performances on stops on the tour. He had never performed better in his opinion. Fans had noticed it too, the way that Kihyun seemed to be more intense, more brooding as each night went on. All of his energy was put on his performance, making it impossible to have even a moment for his mind to wander to Hoseok. This began to take its toll however. Kihyun was exhausted. With all of his energy spent on practice and performance, he was beginning to burn out. He had only felt like this once before, during his time as a trainee, during No Mercy. A feeling he’d hoped he’d never have to experience again.

The world tour continued on in this way for some time. Each stop would see Kihyun exert himself further and further. Would see Kihyun pull away more and more. On stage, Kihyun still seemed himself. He considered himself professional enough to keep up pretences while he performed in front of thousands of fans each night. He’d had years of practice to pull off such a task, a smile no one could detect as fake.

Off stage however, a completely different Kihyun was seen. He had bags under his eyes, and sore joints from the countless nights spent awake trying to perfect his performance. Off stage, Kihyun sat alone, removed himself from any situation that didn’t require his immediate attention. Isolated from the others. Hoseok however, made this difficult, always sidling up to Kihyun, trying to put his pumped arm around his shoulder during group conversations. Always addressing him that any opportunity would allow. Every touch that Hoseok tried to initiate, Kihyun cowered away from. It got to a point, about three quarters of the way through their tour, that Kihyun stopped even trying to hang out with his members any more, choosing to sit alone in an unoccupied room working hard to perfect his stage presence. Kihyun decided that the pain of trying to conceal how he felt put too much of a strain on him and concluded that total exclusion was the only way he could cope with how he felt, with the justification that if it helped him to really focus on his work, then it would all be worth it in the end.

Kihyun’s mental state could no longer keep up with the pressure he was putting on his body through physical exertion, but it didn’t hit him truly until one night, after a particularly intense performance, he found himself cuddled up to Minhyuk, breath laboured, chest rising and falling rapidly, sobbing into his chest. Minhyuk didn’t question it, he had learnt, after all their years together, that sometimes Kihyun just needed someone to be close, to rub his back gently; a physical reminder that someone was there for him.

Minhyuk wasn’t blind. He could see the way that Kihyun was exerting himself in the last couple of months. Could see the way that he extracted himself from every group gathering. Only being near to his members in professional settings when it was a matter of the job. Minhyuk knew Kihyun was emotionally hurting, he could hear it in his voice every night that they performed, every high note Kihyun delivered with excellence, Minhyuk could hear the pain. Minhyuk knew that Kihyun needed his space. Its how he always dealt with things that were too much, becoming detached, but Minhyuk also knew that when the time came, Kihyun would come to him to seek comfort. Maybe, if he was strong enough, Kihyun would try and confide in Minhyuk, because he knew that Kihyun would do the same for him if needs be.

Kihyun’s sobs were beginning to become faint, and at longer intervals each time. The feel of Kihyun’s chest beginning to rise and fall much slower than the rapid pace it had just been told Minhyuk that Kihyun had finally calmed down enough to form coherent sentences. Minhyuk’s rubbing of Kihyun’s back slowed and he gently peeled the boy out of his grip, his shirt now soaked through at the shoulder where Kihyun had had his faced buried in Minhyuk’s neck. Minhyuk looked at the Kihyun before him, his nose dripping with snot, his eyes glistening from tears, his under eyes and cheeks puffy and swollen from the extended period of time he’d spent stuffed as close to Minhyuk as possible. Minhyuk could see every feature of Kihyun’s face, except this wasn’t the Kihyun that he knew, this Kihyun was hollow, empty, in pain. After a few moments of silence, broken only by the sound of Kihyun’s laboured breath returning to it’s normal state, Minhyuk decided that enough was enough.

“Ki, speak to me please. Tell me what’s going on.” Minhyuk tried to be as gentle as possible, but he was sick of seeing his friend, his brother in pain.

“I tried to stay away because it hurt so much, but it wouldn’t stop, it wouldn’t stop hurting Min. It never stopped.” Kihyun hiccupped.

“What Kihyun? You have to be more specific for me to help you.”

“Hoseok.” Kihyun sighed out, his body sagging once he’d spoken.

“Hoseok what Kihyun, I need you to help me out here.”

“Every time I look at him, a little part of me dies. Every time he touches me, my skin burns at the spot. I spend almost every waking hour of my life thinking about him, the features of his face, his smile, his laugh when he’s genuinely happy.

I think about the way he lights up when he’s talking about the fans, the way his face crinkles in concentration when he’s working on a particularly difficult part of a song. I think about what it would be like to kiss him, to hold him, to have him hold me. I think about him all the time and it hurts. It’s like he’s invaded my brain, uninvited and taken up residence with no plans of moving out any time soon. It hurts when he looks at me in the same way that he looks at you, or any other member and I just can’t stand it anymore. I cant stand it Minhyuk and it’s eating me alive because I cant do anything about it. The more I try to move away, distance myself from him, he just weasels his way back and it hurts.”

Silence enveloped the room. Minhyuk stared at Kihyun’s glossy eyes trying to take in the barrage of information that’s just been presented to him. He didn’t quite know what to say, but deep down, Minhyuk knew all along just how true everything that Kihyun had said was. He thinks back to their practices, when Hoseok would cling on to Kihyun after a routine and how Kihyun, despite the protests and pleading for Hoseok to remove himself from his arm, would look at him with he softest eyes, the smallest smile. The only word that could possible describe that look was fond. While one might initially think of it as a look of friendly affection, the more Minhyuk thought back to it, the more he realised how wrong he was.

Minhyuk recalled the way that with every small touch that Hoseok delivered, which he would also give to his other members, crimson worked its way up Kihyun’s neck and flushed his cheeks. Minhyuk remembered one instance, during a practice for the group version of From Zero, in which Kihyun’s focus was solely on Hoseok in the mirror before him, not himself, and how Kihyun had tripped over his own feet. While Minhyuk had originally thought that all of this was a result of clumsiness, he now realised was all because his gaze was distracted by the elder.

Minhyuk sighed loudly, “Oh Ki, you should have said something sooner. You didn’t have to remove yourself from the group, you could have told me and we could have hung out together more.” 

“I didn’t know how to cope.” Kihyun gave a defeated sigh. His body sagged and his gaze trained on the floor, scared to look Minhyuk in the eye, scared to see how his friend took his confession.

“Kihyun you’re only going to make it worse for yourself if you continue like this. Come back to us. Please.” Minhyuk pleaded.

“I can’t. What if he finds out, he’ll hate me and I can’t do that to the group.”

“Hoseok could never hate you. Trust me,” Minhyuk held Kihyun by his jaw, forcing him to look into his eyes. He cradled his face gently. “He loves you Ki, maybe not how you want, but he could never, ever hate you. Come back. If it’s too much just stay by me, I promise I wont let you get hurt.”

Kihyun truly believed he didn’t deserve Minhyuk’s friendship. Minhyuk was always there for him and he seemed to only give the minimum back so he promised that that would change. Kihyun promised himself that he’d bring himself back, if not for the sake of the group but for Minhyuk’s sake. It was the least he deserved with how much love he had given Kihyun, with how kind and understanding he had been. How he always was.

The tour continued on uneventful after that. Kihyun still gave intense performances but this time, he had Minhyuk by his side to tell him when to take it slow. The Kihyun from before began to return slowly as well, the same old smiles adorned his face once again and his loud laugh could be heard. Kihyun was often found in the company of Minhyuk, the two always physically close. The other members too had began to notice how much time the two spent with each other. Especially Hoseok. While Kihyun was once the token of Hoseok’s affection, the person he would sidle up to and coddle during practice, the one he would always rely on for a guide version of his demos, the person he would always find in his company, this seemed to no longer be the case.

Hoseok had noticed the way that Kihyun would flinch away from his touch, avoid him in group settings. Hoseok saw the way Minhyuk and Kihyun were closer than they had ever been, how they spent almost every waking hour in each other’s presence. How he often found them snuggled up together, leaning on each other, exhausted from the days work. Hoseok knew that he shouldn’t be affected by it. Knew he had no right to be affected by it. All the members were close with one another and it was only natural that some would form seemingly tighter bonds. Hoseok couldn’t quite identify the nagging feeling he felt every time he witnessed Kihyun and Minhyuk clambering all over each other. He couldn’t help but think ‘that used to be me’.

Coming home from tour was always a blessing. There was nothing Kihyun loved more than performing for his fans week in week out but the feeling of coming home, lying in your own bed and becoming dead to the world was also one of the worlds greatest wonders. As the members each walked through the threshold of their shared apartment, each of them breathed a sigh of relief. Relief knowing that the tour had finished successfully, no one injured, fans satisfied. Kihyun made no hesitation to scramble to his room, change into a pair of sweats and collapse onto his bed. The exhaustion of the last couple of months hit Kihyun like a ton of bricks, his limbs suddenly feeling the weight of the physical demands of a world tour. Kihyun clambered under his duvet and soon enough succumbed to his heavy lids and fell into a well-deserved slumber.

Kihyun roused from his slumber to the sound of shuffling in his room. The scuffling sound of slippers on hardwood flooring could be heard and it had begun to irritate. Disturbed from his sleep and fully conscious, Kihyun hauled his body so he was seated upright, only to be greeted with Hoseok staring contently at him. Kihyun faltered for a second, his brain slowly registering the sight before him. The past few months’ worth of pain came to a screeching halt at the forefront of Kihyun’s brain, seemingly only able to focus on the fact that Hoseok was in front of him, looking at him, staring holes into him.

“I came to tell you that we ordered food and it’s in the kitchen.” With that, Hoseok walked out of the room and Kihyun was stuck frozen, his throat dry. Kihyun had managed to spend the last month of the tour with Hoseok and his feelings at the back of his mind, spending all his time with Minhyuk and managing to avoid Hoseok at any given opportunity but having him simply stand in front of him, with his soft eyes baring down on him, all of his effort crumbled.

Kihyun didn’t mean to be so effected by Hoseok just standing there but he simply couldn’t help it. Having him stand in front of him allowed Kihyun to zero in on all the features that Kihyun had fallen for, his jaw, his ears, the way he managed to fill out every shirt he wore just perfectly. It broke Kihyun’s façade completely and he had no way of controlling it. The dim realisation that life at home was going to be so much more difficult for Kihyun to handle hit hard and fast. The tour made for an easy escape it seemed, plenty of opportunity to be removed from situations, avoiding Hoseok at all costs. But at home, that was to be a near impossible task. Their rooms were adjacent, they shared living space, ate together, practiced together. Kihyun, it seemed was forced into dealing with his feelings head on.

By the time that Kihyun had stepped into the kitchen, and viewed his members sat around their small dining table, he realised that his only viable option for a seat was next to Hoseok. When Kihyun briefly exchanged looks with Minhyuk as he stepped further into the room, he took note of the slightly apologetic smile on Minhyuk’s face.

Kihyun pulled the chair out and sat down rather unceremoniously, slightly bumping Hoseok’s arm as he went. He pulled a carton of noodles from the pile in the centre of the table and dug into his food, hoping that eating would provide distraction. A notable tension could be felt around the room however. Kihyun raised his head, eyeing the members around him. All their gazes were seemingly fixed on his being, all except for Hoseok who instead stared at the food in front of him, refusing to touch it. After an awkward cough, the members returned their focus on their food and soon enough conversation erupted around the room.

Kihyun however, couldn’t help but be left wondering what on earth had just happened. Over the past couple of months, Kihyun had become hyper aware of his awkwardness around his elder, the way he grew silent, the way he averted his gaze at all cost. Never however, had it been the other way around. Hoseok had physically shivered at the inadvertent contact that Kihyun gave him, avoided his gaze immediately and seemed almost embarrassed. Kihyun had become used to awkwardness caused by himself. This however, made Kihyun feel uncomfortable, unsure of how to proceed.

Waking up in his own bed was something that Kihyun would never tire of. The light was streaming in from the window where the curtain hadn’t quite been closed the whole way. The room drowned in gold and the sounds of cars on the morning commute could be faintly heard where the window had been left slightly open to let in a cool breeze. Light began shifting in the room and soon, Kihyun could feel the rays beginning to warm his skin, a band of light stretching from his chin across his right eye, his left eye still buried deep within his pillow. The soft sound of a shower starting to run in the room next to him is what finally stirred him from sleep. Kihyun stretched, his arms tensed as much as possible, his legs pushing out as far as they would reach, his body twisting and contorting as he moved, a small whine escaped his lips and like that he was fully conscious.

Slipping on an oversized hoodie that fell just above where his shorts stopped on his legs, Kihyun shuffled out of his room and headed toward the kitchen in search of coffee. Walking in, Kihyun noted that only one person was up, hunched over a bowl of cereal, coffee steaming in a cup, scrolling through a phone. As Kihyun moved further into the room, the realisation hit that the man sat at the table was in fact Hoseok. In an attempt not to appear awkward, Kihyun walked over to the kettle and set about making his morning coffee, just as he would any other day. Just as he had finished pouring the milk, and stirring the contents of the cup, Kihyun moved to step quickly out of the room. He stopped in his tracks however, when sound suddenly filled the space.

“Sit with me,” If it were anyone else it would have sounded like a simple question to Kihyun, however, this was Hoseok and he could hear the plea in his voice. The way that he sounded almost desperate. Kihyun hesitated for a short while before giving in and sitting across from Hoseok at the dining room table. “We haven’t really hung out in a while have we?” Hoseok questioned, a hint of sadness tacked on at the end. Kihyun huffed in response, a distant, non-committal sound.

“You hang out with Minhyuk a lot lately.” Hoseok stated it this time, no hint of question present. He intended on letting Kihyun know straight forward that he was aware of the distance he had put between them. Aware of the fact that Kihyun could no longer stand to be in the same room as him.

“We just talked a lot on tour. Sharing a room with him most of the time, we were bound to spend a lot of time together.” Kihyun felt a pang of guilt for his bluntness. He didn’t want to hurt Hoseok, that was the last thing he wanted, it just hurt less when there was a divide put between them.

“I guess so,” Hoseok looked like he was about to give up trying. “I just missed you a little bit on tour.” Kihyun looked up at Hoseok at this, he could see the lines where a small smile was put on his face, the subtle lift in the corners where his mouth was slightly upturned, his lips stretched. Kihyun couldn’t help but stare for too long. Kihyun thought that Hoseok’s mouth was dangerous. Inviting.

Kihyun broke from his reverie with a small cough and bought his gaze back up to Hoseok’s eyes. They seemed sad almost. Some of the sparkle gone. Hoseok resumed eating his cereal, now slightly soggy. Kihyun felt a tug in his gut, unhappy to leave the conversation there.

“Well we’re home now, we’re going to see each other all the time. I’d be surprised if I didn’t get sick of you.” Kihyun forced a smile on his face and a chuckle to escape his lips. Hoseok looked up at this, a smile forming, teeth threatening to peek out. He nodded once and set about drinking his coffee. Kihyun took this as a sign that it was safe to continue, he sipped his coffee, ignoring the way that his heart had beat twice at the sight of Hoseok’s genuine smile.

When Kihyun had finished his coffee and all that remained in the cup were the grinds, Kihyun felt that it was then a socially acceptable time to finally leave. The seat screeched slightly as Kihyun stood and Hoseok looked up from where he had then been looking at his phone. He walked over to the sink, rinsed his cup and took long strides out of the room, aiming to exist swiftly.

By the time Kihyun had made it back to his room, he shoved the door shut before him and released a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. Kihyun squeezed his eyes shut as his mind whirred, recapping his interaction with Hoseok. He hadn’t realised that he had let it become so bad, that he had let it get to the point that Hoseok missed his company. Kihyun was determined from that moment that he would try as hard as he could to get over his feelings for Hoseok, if not for Hoseok’s sake but for the sake of the groups harmony.

‘It’s only an infatuation anyway, nothing serious’ Kihyun reasoned in his head, disregarding the way that Hoseok seemed to consume every corner of his brain, unwarranted and unrelenting at all points in the day.

Being at home all day, where it had once been seen as a blessing by Kihyun was slowly but surely becoming a bore. There was only so much that Kihyun could do at home, and two weeks into their break, he felt that he had done it all. Kihyun took this as a sign that it was time for him to put his energy back into practice, back into perfecting his performance for the fans that loved him so dearly. Dressed in sweats and a jumper, Kihyun sought the practice room in the Starship building. Walking down the halls with headphones in his ears and an eclectic mix of music coursing through him at a high volume hadn’t been an issue until Kihyun found himself walking into a seemingly unoccupied room only to be confronted with a sweaty, panting Hoseok. Kihyun froze in the door, unsure of where to go and before he knew it, it was too late, Hoseok was making eye contact with him in the reflection of the mirror. A smile forming on his lips. There was no way that Kihyun could make an escape now.

Kihyun stepped into the room fully, pulled his ear phones out and was met with the sound of a low R&B song playing throughout the room, the base thrumming through the ground.

“Watch this for me and tell me where to improve. Please.” Hoseok requested as he moved to the speaker to start the song back at the beginning. Kihyun could only hum in response. He moved to the back of the room then, back against the wall, phone discarded to the side. Kihyun watched as Hoseok went back into his starting position, facing Kihyun directly, back to the mirror. The song started up again in that moment, a soft beat beginning to be heard, bass beginning to pick up and shake the ground. In a swift movement, Hoseok was facing the mirror again, his left arm coming up slightly to his face, gentle and caressing, sensual. His hips moved in fluid movements, the beat of the song apparent in the way that Hoseok moved.

Kihyun tried to focus on the song, to see if Hoseok’s dance fit the vibe, but soon the song sounding throughout the room became white noise, a soft babble of English words he couldn’t quite pick up. All of Kihyun’s focus having gone to the way that Hoseok moved across the room. Hoseok’s figure moved closer to the ground then, a knee bent, a quick slide against the floor, a second knee bent and another slide. Hoseok pulled himself up from the floor, his arms folding in, his hips thrusting out. Everything about Hoseok in that moment exerted sex. The fluid movement of his body oozed sensuality. The scrunch of his face and the biting of his lip screamed lust.

Kihyun’s mouth ran dry. Walking into that room had begun to start looking like a terrible, terrible decision. Kihyun was fixated. Eyes boring into the way that Hoseok’s back tensed with each movement. The way that in the mirror, Hoseok’s face was nothing but pure concentration, aiming to execute every move with precision. It was unbearable and Kihyun had no idea what to do. Kihyun could hear the song beginning to fade, could see the way that Hoseok’s movements began to slow, the final moments of his performance closing in. And like that, the song was over, Hoseok facing him and looking at Kihyun with expectant eyes. Kihyun hoped that he was the only person in that moment that could hear the way his heart was beating, fast and unrelenting, pounding in his ears. Kihyun swallowed, determined to not let his voice come out in a strangled croak. Hoseok’s chest rose and fell furiously as he waited for Kihyun’s feedback. Sweat pooled at his temple, a droplet hung from his nose. Hoseok’s fringe stuck to his forehead in spikes. Kihyun swallowed again.

“It was good. Yeah. Good.” Kihyun cursed the uncertainty in his voice.

“Only good?” Hoseok pouted. The sound of a small huff could be heard escaping his lips.

“It was great Hoseok. What is it for?” Kihyun enquired, hoping that the small tremble in his voice couldn’t be heard.

“Nothing really. I was bored and wanted to come up with some choreography.”

“Well for the product of boredom it’s very good. Stage worthy even. You should show Hyunwoo, he’d love it.” Kihyun smiled up at Hoseok and then turned his attention back to his phone. If Kihyun had been looking properly, he might have noticed the glint of disappointment that flashed across Hoseok’s face in that moment.

As Kihyun scrolled through his phone, attempting to find a song to practice with, and trying his hardest to ignore Hoseok’s presence in the room, loud hollers started to be heard from outside the door and down the hallway. Within seconds, the rest of the members were found piling one by one into the practice room. Minhyuk noted the way that Kihyun was pushed up against the wall, knees to his chest, phone in hand, gaze averting Hoseok at all costs. Minhyuk ignored the loud sounds of his members all beginning to huddle and made a bee line for Kihyun. He sidled up toward his member and sat with him, copying his seated position.

“How long were you in here with for?” Minhyuk inquired, sympathy present in his voice.

“Long enough for him to show me his new choreo which consisted mostly of hip thrusts and lip biting. So too long.” Kihyun huffed. A faint, pitiful laugh escaped his lips. Minhyuk slung his arm around Kihyun, attempting to give a reassuring hug. Kihyun could feel how genuine Minhyuk was in that moment, a friend that went above and beyond and Kihyun wasn’t sure that he really deserved it. The two fell into conversation about menial things, laughter could be heard from their corner of the room every so often. Kihyun was distracted from Hoseok and that was exactly what he had needed in that moment.

Unbeknownst to Kihyun however, Hoseok was looking over at the two through the mirror, the conversation around him blurred out. Hoseok felt a punch in his gut that he couldn’t put a finger on, every time Kihyun laughed at something Minhyuk had said, a dull ache could be felt. Hoseok grew more uncomfortable as time went on and he had no explanation for it. Unsure of what he was feeling, Hoseok chose not to give it anymore thought and turned back to the conversation happening in front of him.

Kihyun could remember having crushes on men for as long as he was a conscious being. What he thought was simple like of actors and singers, a want to be like them, Kihyun later came to realise was the beginning of his infatuation with men. It never really came to a head until his final years of high school however.

Kihyun had led a rather uneventful life in school up until the point of his last year. Kihyun had built up a good network of friends around him and he was comfortable in who he had become. He held an important part in his schools choir, his singing already a vital aspect of his life. Kihyun’s grades were just average, not incredible but good enough that his parents and teachers had no concerns, despite spending most of his time in the choir practice room. At this time, Kihyun still hadn’t come to terms with his sexuality, justifying his attraction as desire to be like the celebrities he adored. Kihyun had been particularly taken by an older pop star, an artist he had listened to and admired for a long time. He dared not express his adoration however, fearful of how the world around him would take it. Fearful of what that would confirm for himself.

Being in the school choir, Kihyun often found himself surrounded by a number of girls. The choir not seeing many male applicants. Of his choir mates however, Kihyun was never particularly close with any of them. Kihyun was not unattractive in high school. He may not have been the most attractive amongst his peers but that by no means meant that he wasn’t. It was such that a few of his female classmates had become quite taken with Kihyun, some even going so far as to confess their crushes. Each time, he turned them down however, always with a promise of friendship instead. None of them seemed to be interested. It was after one such confession that Kihyun met him for the first time. Kihyun was watching as the back of a girl, who had just bared her soul, walked away slightly slumped as a boy turned the corner and came toward Kihyun. He had patted Kihyun on the shoulder as he passed and reassured Kihyun that she would get over it soon enough. And with that the boy had continued on before Kihyun really had an opportunity to process what had happened. Of what Kihyun had managed to process however was a sharp jaw and piercing eyes and Kihyun knew that he was a goner.

Not until a week later did Kihyun see the boy again. He was sat behind a cello and playing a soft melody, notes spilling out of the instrument and filling the room that he occupied. Kihyun had walked into the choir practice room to be greeted by a handful of the school’s orchestra, the boy clearly a member. The boy had looked up when the melody came to a soothing close and he made eye contact with Kihyun who was still stood in the door, a hint of recognition obvious in his gaze. Kihyun had walked further into the room then and placed himself in his usual position behind an old and wearing microphone, only a couple more uses left in the tattered device. As usual, Kihyun’s voice picked up at the command of the choir master, this time accompanied by the gentle sound of the cello, only a few centimetres from where he stood. At the time, Kihyun had believe that his voice and the cello worked in perfect harmony.

The boy became a permanent fixture to the choir practice room and over time, Kihyun began to build a friendship with the boy with piercing eyes. The two often spent much of their day together, eating lunch, practicing, walking home. They fit themselves into each other’s lives almost perfectly and it was obvious how close the two had become in such a short space of time. Teachers often found the two in the practice room, perfecting their performances, making sure they were in sync. 3 months into their friendship and this practice was deemed almost unnecessary, the two able to give a perfect performance with little effort required. The chemistry between the two evident and effortless.

The two boys often found themselves in each other’s company out of school times also. Either of the two being in the others bedroom, sitting on the floor, or a bed, doing homework, being together. Kihyun hadn’t realised his attraction to his friend until he was sat on his bed, doing their chemistry homework. Kihyun was having particular trouble with a certain question and had thrown a small tantrum in his frustration. The boy however, simply leaned into Kihyun’s space, shoulders pressing heavily into each other. Breath warming his arm slightly. The boy grabbed Kihyun’s hand and moved his pencil to form the answer to the question. Kihyun couldn’t focus on the work in front of him however. All Kihyun was aware of was the burning sensation he felt where the boy was in contact with him. Every surface of skin that touched seemed to be on fire and Kihyun couldn’t breathe. Overwhelmed by the sudden rush of feeling. His chest began beating heavily and he willed himself to look at the paper in front of him and not the way that his friends eyelashes batted lightly onto his the small space below his eyes, or the way his lips were in a pout as he concentrated. The boy looked up in that moment, a small smile stretched across his lips. Kihyun willed himself not to look down at them, afraid of what might happen if he were to do so.

Kihyun tried to make sure that he wasn’t awkward in the boy’s presence from that moment on, determined to not let his feelings be known. His friend however was making this increasingly difficult. During each practice, the boy would give Kihyun subtle touches, barely there, but still burning holes into Kihyun’s skin. The boy would make it his duty to compliment Kihyun in any way that he could. He made it his life mission to be close to Kihyun and Kihyun struggled not to fall in love with the boy. The more time alone Kihyun spent with the boy, the more he felt himself falling deeper and deeper.

It all came crashing down less than three weeks later however. Closing into the Christmas holidays and the choir and orchestra were preparing intensely for an end of year showcase. As such Kihyun and the boy spent increased amounts of time together. They spent all of the required practice together, spent overtime together in the practice room after official practice had ended to make sure that everything was perfect. The two also took their practices back to each other’s houses, annoying both sets of parents to the point that they were banned from practicing in their homes, being restricted to the choir practice room. It was on one such evening, long after official practice had ended, that the two were sat on the practice room floor switching between practicing the set and eating snacks.

Kihyun had been struggling with hitting a particular note for a while at that point. No matter how hard he tried he just could not hit it and it was frustrating him to no end. His friend, in an attempt to help Kihyun had decided to step in closer and play the note on his cello, willing Kihyun to match the pitch. Kihyun struggled still however and with a huff, plonked himself on the floor, arms crossed and a pout on his face. The boy discarded his cello then, and sat in front of Kihyun, hands placed on Kihyun’s knees. Kihyun’s head was faced down toward the ground and in an attempt to get Kihyun to look at him and stop pouting, the boy dipped his head below Kihyun’s, placed his fingers under his chin and pulled his gaze up, so that they were sat eye to eye. The boy decided then to compliment Kihyun endlessly, making a soft blush adorn Kihyun’s cheeks. When the boy had gotten Kihyun to giggle finally, pout losing it’s form and stretching into a smile, the boy took a strand of hair that had fallen in front of Kihyun’s face and pushed it gently behind his ear.

Kihyun was as red as a tomato then and he looked into the boys eyes. The boy was looking at Kihyun with such fondness that when Kihyun’s gaze dropped to his mouth and surged forward to kiss the boy, Kihyun had thought that it was the right thing to do.

What Kihyun had not expected however was being pushed violently back on to the floor and expletives and curses thrown in his direction. What Kihyun had not expected was for the boy to storm out of the room and back to his house, only to scream and cry at his mother about how Kihyun had tried to coerce him into doing something that was a sin, forbidden. What Kihyun had not expected was to come home to his mother on the phone to his friend’s mother screaming how Kihyun was a dirty sinner that had tried to corrupt his son. What Kihyun had not expected was not finding the boy in the choir practice room the next day, or the day after that, not even at the end of year show. What Kihyun had not expected was for all his friends to abandon him once the news began to spread across the school. What Kihyun had not expected was to find himself, on his last day of high school alone, no friends around to celebrate with him because he was the dirty sinner that had tried to taint an innocent and helpless boy.

It was for that reason, that Kihyun couldn’t let it be know to Hoseok how he felt about him. It was for that reason that Kihyun vowed, for the sake of everyone on his team that, unless his feelings dissipated, he would take them to the grave.

Life with no schedule begun to grow tedious for all the members very quickly. There is only so much of nothing that a person can do before it all becomes a dull and seemingly endless cycle. Changkyun and Jooheon were often found together in a room, hunched over controllers and playing whatever game they could. Hyunwoo was often found on the living room sofa, scrolling through endless twitter mentions, earphones drowning out the little noise there was around the apartment. Hyungwon could be found at any one time munching away at whatever salty snack was in the cupboards. Hoseok was often at the gym. Kihyun however, was often in the company of Minhyuk, doing absolutely nothing with their time. Kihyun was sat knees drawn up, back against the wall, sat on his bed, Minhyuk nestled into his side, head resting on Kihyun’s shoulder. Both were sat in complete silence. Such position was so frequent for the two that no one would dare question it. The light of the day had finally died and the sounds from outside the window were down to a minimum. The occasional sound of a car, probably on its journey home could be heard. Other than the sounds that were emitted from the open window, the room had been plunged into silence. The silence had begun jar Kihyun, and he began to focus in on the small sounds that were coming from around the apartment, the ticking of clocks, the exclamations of frustration coming from Jooheon and Changkyun’s room, the faint murmur of the television. The noises started to all blur into one and Kihyun grew more and more uncomfortable. A sigh left Kihyun’s lips, frustration evident.

“I’m bored Minhyukie.” Kihyun whined out. He moved to stretch his legs, relieving the stiffness that had built up from hours sat still in the same position. A groan could be heard in the back of his throat, the cricks in his legs finally cracking.

“We should go out, get some drinks. Take your mind off things.” A smirk formed at the corners of Minhyuk’s mouth, a sign of his plotting. Kihyun gave Minhyuk an incredulous look. He knew exactly what Minhyuk was trying to imply and Kihyun couldn’t decide if it was the best, or worst idea his friend had ever come up with.

“You know it’s not that simple. We couldn’t let anyone know who we were and we couldn’t go crazy.” Kihyun chided.

“Obviously, I’m not stupid. But come on. We all know how tense you’ve been, you can allow yourself to have some fun just this once, come on.” Minhyuk persuaded. Kihyun pursed his lips in thought. A night out, alcohol pouring into his system, forgetting his problems, if only for a night. It sounded all too promising. Kihyun nodded, agreeing that he needed a moment to forget.

The two decided that for the sake of not getting into too much trouble that it would be best if they went out without telling anyone the specifics, a simple ‘_Kihyun and I have gone out’ _text sent to the group chat. Ambiguous, but just enough to not raise any eyebrows.

The two separated from each other then, Minhyuk, after hours, finally leaving Kihyun’s room in order to change into new clothes for the night. Kihyun stood in front of his wardrobe and debated what outfit of his would be inconspicuous enough for him to not pass as ‘idol Kihyun’ for the night but would also still be acceptable enough for a night out. Kihyun pulled out a black t-shirt and trousers and decided that that was enough for him to blend in. No brand evident enough for his choices to be questioned, so no wondering eyes could try to piece together how a twentysomething could afford such clothes. Dark enough that he would blend into whatever dark environment Minhyuk dragged him into, but stylish enough that he wouldn’t be seen as scruff and let in. Once Kihyun had changed, he observed himself in the mirror, minimal makeup on his face in the hopes that the illusion of a bare face would help to mask his identity to an extent.

Minhyuk walked into Kihyun’s room not too soon after, a similar outfit hanging off his body, all black, but acceptable enough for Korean nightlife. No words were exchanged when Minhyuk made for Kihyun’s hand and pulled him out of the apartment. A taxi was called and the two soon found themselves on the way to the start of their night.

The taxi ride was quiet, anticipation clearly beginning to build between the two. Kihyun was eager to feel the familiar taste of alcohol running down his throat, unable to remember the last time he had a proper drink. It wasn’t that the members didn’t have the occasional drink together, it was just that living a rather public life meant that the opportunity for drinks outside the comfort of their own dorm was limited and a rare occurrence.

The night was dark outside the taxi window, minimal light present, few cars on the road. It was in that moment that Kihyun was thankful that he only had dark plum hair and Minhyuk black hair, nothing too garish or obvious of their profession.

When the taxi came to a stop and the two stepped out, they were met with the chill of the night, brief but not biting. Pleasant for when they were to come out of whatever establishment they planned on entering and were all sweaty from the mass of bodies they were sure to endure. Minhyuk took Kihyun’s wrist into his grip, as he often did, and pulled him along the empty path until they came closer to a building, black paint on the walls and green lights spilling out onto the street from the open door and windows. The thrum of base could be heard being emitted from the door as it opened and closed with patrons entering and leaving. A queue had formed near the door, a burly man dressed in black at it’s head. Minhyuk pulled the two to the front of the line, pulled him self close to the bouncer and spoke into his ear. A hint of recognition spread across the bouncer’s face. When Minhyuk pulled away, a smile grew on the bouncer’s face and a laugh escaped his lips, he opened the door and Minhyuk pulled Kihyun inside. Kihyun had learnt by this time to never question Minhyuk’s antics and simply let himself be pulled inside.

Upon entering the establishment, Kihyun’s senses were assaulted with the stinging smell of alcohol and the deafening sound of music, heavy in base, lacking substance. The building was packed full of people, similar in age to Kihyun and Minhyuk. The number of girls in the club seemed to dominate over the number of males, an obvious ploy by the club. The room was crowded with people, a mob swaying, moving their bodies on the dancefloor to the beat of the ambiguous dance tune. People were also littered at the bar. Kihyun noted the way that some men stood too close to the girls that wore dresses that hugged their figures, their eyes lingering on the girls’ bodies for too long. Kihyun felt extremely uncomfortable, out of his depth in this kind of environment. It was while Kihyun was stuck in his stupor that he felt a tug on his wrist and realised that Minhyuk was trying to pull him toward the bar.

The music was loud and unforgiving, Kihyun could barely hear when Minhyuk shouted that he wanted to get a drink. In no time, the two males were stood at the bar. Minhyuk read off his order loudly to the male behind the bar. A tap of his card and a moment later, Minhyuk had a ridiculously coloured drink in his hands. Kihyun eyed him incredulously and before he could speak, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Kihyun took it out to inspect it and eyed the sender. Hoseok. Kihyun relocked his phone and tried not to think too much of it. He placed the phone back in his pocket and tried to ignore the way that it burned against his backside. The feeling of knowing that he had an unread message from Hoseok slowly eating away at him.

Kihyun refocused his attention to the bar and dismissed the questioning look that Minhyuk gave him. Instead, Kihyun caught the attention of the bartender and shouted an order, he tapped his card and waited. In the next minute, Kihyun had two tequila shots in his hands. Determined that he was going to have fun and not focus on his life in that moment, Kihyun moved the first glass up to his lips. The smell hit him almost immediately, stinging his nose and before he could think too much about the consequence of his actions, Kihyun tipped the glass and allowed the liquid to pass his lips. The alcohol burned as it travelled down his throat and stung as he breathed in. The glass was placed back on the counter and without much thought, the second glass was at his lips and it’s contents being emptied down his throat. When Kihyun opened his eyes, that had been squeezed shut on account of the stinging bite of the tequila, Minhyuk was eyeing him with a smirk.

Kihyun refused to interact with Minhyuk, instead he chose to turn toward the crowd of people, inspecting the environment in front of him. Kihyun scanned the club until he made eye contact with a tall, dark haired male across from the crowd of people gathered on the dancefloor. The man was attractive, obviously considering who the club allowed to enter but Kihyun quickly averted his gaze. Kihyun wanted to forget about his feelings for Hoseok but he was not about to get into major trouble to go about it. It was bad enough that both Kihyun and Minhyuk were out in the first place so going home with a stranger would be disastrous. Instead, Kihyun turned back to the bar and ordered drink after drink. Unaware of how much time was passing as he finished of each drink and every song began to blur into one.

Minhyuk had abandoned him at the bar some time ago in favour for dancing. Kihyun was content however with just drinking. It was when Kihyun’s vision had just begun to blur and his movements became slurred that he felt a tugging at his wrist. Kihyun lifted his head to see that Minhyuk was by his side again and willing Kihyun to dance with him. Kihyun had drunk too much at this point to care and if he weren’t to try and sweat at least a little bit of the alcohol in his system out then he would be in big trouble tomorrow.

The two moved to the dancefloor with relative difficulty. Weaving in between people, trying to move them out of the way if they were stationary until they reached a point relatively central. The sound emanating from the DJ booth was deafening, bass could be felt reverberating throughout the floor, Kihyun feeling the vibrations through every part of his body. What he failed to realise however was that the vibrations emanating from his pocket were not from the relentless thrumming of the music but from a barrage of messages going unnoticed on his phone.

Kihyun and Minhyuk’s bodies were pushed close together, the mass of people forcing close proximity. Backs and elbows pushed up against them, poking in at awkward angles. This didn’t faze Kihyun however, his drunken state took it in his stride. Kihyun hoisted his arms around Minhyuk’s neck, Minhyuk moving his hands so that they were holding Kihyun’s hips and they swayed. The music around them had a generic enough beat that in whatever which way their bodies moved, they were in time with the music. Kihyun and Minhyuk were comfortable enough in their friendship that even sober, their actions might not be questioned. The two enjoyed each other’s presence, enjoyed the feeling of alcohol coursing through their veins, the feeling of the music ringing in their ears, their bodies moving in time. Kihyun’s mind was empty, all thoughts of Hoseok gone completely. The alcohol had done its job.

By the time Kihyun and Minhyuk had lugged themselves back to the dorm, the time had passed 4 in the morning. The two struggled through the door, hushes and giggles escaped from the two of them as they stumbled into their home. Kihyun moved to the kitchen to try and pour himself a glass of water, knowing that his morning self would be grateful. Minhyuk on the other hand, fell straight into his bedroom and landed on his bed, asleep in seconds. Kihyun tried to be as quiet as possible, opening and closing cupboards at snails pace to minimise noise. Kihyun was still drunk however and tripped over his own feet moving toward the sink, he stumbled over a discarded table chair and loud clattering followed. At the noise, the living room light flickered on and a tired looking Hoseok appeared from the sofa.

Hoseok’s hair poked up in different directions and creases littered his right cheek and arm, clearly having been asleep only moments ago on the sofa before his rude awakening.. His eyes were still adjusting to the scene in front of him and blinked slowly before widening fully. Kihyun stood frozen, unsure what to do. His gaze landed on Hoseok and if he hadn’t looked away when he did, he might have seen the flash of sadness that flickered across his face. Kihyun’s plan to get himself water was then abandoned, he stood still and coughed to clear his throat.

“What are you doing up?” Kihyun asked with caution, attempting to hide his drunken state. Hoseok looked into Kihyun’s eyes and he sighed, unconvinced by Kihyun’s act.

“I was waiting for you to get home. I had no clue where you were, you ignored all my messages. I was worried sick.” Kihyun didn’t respond, instead he reached for his back pocket and pulled out his phone. When the home screen lit up Kihyun saw several missed calls and dozens of unread messages. All from Hoseok. All with varying degrees of worry present in the small previews. Kihyun looked up at Hoseok then, and he couldn’t ignore the look of hurt that had spread across Hoseok’s face.

“I was out with Minhyuk. We told the group chat,” Kihyun offered simply, a petulant tone evident in his voice spurred on by the alcohol in his system. His brain was swimming, confusion about the scene playing out in front of him and the alcohol mixing together and clouding Kihyun’s brain. “You shouldn’t have stayed up. You should have just checked the chat.” The alcohol in Kihyun’s system began to make him seethe, anger rising the more he looked at Hoseok’s face. Kihyun was confused, confused as to why Hoseok seemed so invested in where Kihyun had been, why he was stood in the kitchen at 4 in the morning, drunk, having to justify himself. It was this confusion that made Kihyun frustrated, the anger only present because the alcohol was fuelled him on.

“I was worried sick Ki, what did you expect me to do.” Hoseok sighed out. His eyebrows creased, he was too tired to try and deal with a drunk Kihyun. Hoseok couldn’t place why he was feeling so annoyed with Kihyun, why him ignoring his messages seemed to be such a big deal, but it was and Hoseok was becoming increasingly effected by it.

“Did you bother messaging Minhyuk? Why do you care so much where I was? You don’t own me Hoseok, you don’t need to know where I am at all times.” Kihyun was fuming, anger spilling past his lips, the alcohol fuelling the bombardment of spiteful words, Kihyun unaware of how biting they were, how much they stung Hoseok.

“Of course I care Ki. You ignore me for weeks. You do everything in your power to avoid me then you go missing completely from the dorm one night. What am I supposed to think? Of course I think it’s about me. If you hated me so much you should have just told me and I would have made it easier for you to ignore me at all costs.” Hoseok stopped and gave a defeated sigh. “This is the first conversation we’ve had in weeks Kihyun and you’re drunk and want nothing to do with it. If you don’t want me around just say so and I’ll go. I’ll make your life easier. I see how you would rather spend time with anyone other than me.” Sadness trickled out from Hoseok’s voice, hurt evident in the way that his voice became small. Hoseok went quiet, waiting for Kihyun’s response.

Kihyun remained stood frozen in his spot. The alcohol and the anger had mixed to turn his neck an offending blush colour. Kihyun’s chest was rising and falling at slowing intervals, coming down from the adrenaline of his anger. Kihyun stood in silence. The clock in the kitchen ticked loudly, time passing slowly. Kihyun swallowed, his throat dry, dehydrated from the amount of alcohol he had consumed. He opened his mouth ready to say something but the words were lost in his throat. Kihyun closed his mouth again. Hoseok shut his eyes with a sigh.

“Ok then.” Hoseok said. And with that, he turned on his heals and headed toward his bedroom. No further words exchanged. Kihyun heard Hoseok’s door close and then the room was plunged into silence again.

Kihyun remained in his place when he felt dampness on his cheeks. He had begun to cry, the tears hot on his cheeks. His heart was heavy. His drunkenness started to dissipate, the weight of his interaction beginning to dawn on him. Kihyun had just ruined everything.

I

n the days that followed, there was a notable tension felt throughout the dorm. The air around the members was notably charged, it seemed almost as if there was a universal understanding of what had occurred the night Kihyun came home drunk, however no one was brave enough to mention it. Kihyun had understandably told Minhyuk about his run in with Hoseok the following day. He recounted how angry the alcohol in his system made him, how much he regretted not saying anything as Hoseok stood there, helpless, waiting for a response. While Kihyun had made it his mission during the tour to avoid Hoseok, this was markedly worse. While in the last month, Kihyun would simply distance himself from Hoseok if he was in the room, placing himself between his other members or at opposite ends of room, removing himself from conversations that he felt weren’t necessary to be a part of. This time around things were a lot less subtle.

If Kihyun was sat in the living room and Hoseok happened to walk in, the elder would turn almost immediately on his heels and remove himself from the room. If Kihyun were to sit at the dining table, where all his members were sat, Hoseok would abruptly stand and leave the table. No room in the dorm was ever occupied by Kihyun or Hoseok at the same time. It was almost as if the two were magnets of the same pole, destined to never meet.

This continued for weeks, the two never being in the same room for any longer than a matter of seconds. Empty, was how Kihyun felt. It was all fine when Kihyun was avoiding Hoseok, Hoseok blissfully unaware of what was going on, but this hurt. The awareness that Hoseok believed that Kihyun hated him, the fact that Hoseok was physically removing himself from situations that included Kihyun because he felt that it would make the younger uncomfortable or even angry, the fact that Hoseok was avoiding Kihyun for completely selfless reasons, all for the sake of Kihyun. It was killing Kihyun, ripping apart his insides each time that Hoseok left a room that he was in. Snatching away pieces of the puzzle that completed Kihyun. Kihyun was slowly dying and he didn’t know how to fix it.

Hoseok’s avoiding of Kihyun reached such an extent that Hyunwoo felt that enough was enough and that it was time to finally step in. Kihyun had stepped into the living room one evening to see Hyunwoo on the sofa, stress notable in his features, shoulders slumped in a somewhat defeated nature. Upon Kihyun’s entrance, Hyunwoo snapped his head up, making eye contact with Kihyun who was stood awkwardly in the door way. Hyunwoo cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable.

“Kihyun, we should talk,” Hyunwoo shifted in his place, making room on the sofa for Kihyun to sit. Kihyun moved to sit down, his arms going to rest on his knees. He avoided Hyunwoo’s gaze with all his ability, fearful that just looking in his leaders eyes that he’d crumble and never be able to come back from it. Kihyun respected his leader, understood that what was happening was necessary, but despite his respect for the elder, he knew that letting Hyunwoo in on his predicament would only serve to complicate matters. It was safer to leave Hyunwoo in the dark about this matter, regardless of whether Hyunwoo was leader or not.

“Kihyun, I don’t know what’s going on and frankly I’d rather whatever happened between you and Hoseok to stay between you both but it’s beginning to encroach on the group and I can’t let that happen. Not as leader.” Kihyun hummed in understanding, unsure how to respond to Hyunwoo. All Kihyun could feel in that moment was guilt. Guilty of the fact that he let his problems get to the point that it was messing with the group, guilty that his feelings, while unbeknownst to Hoseok, had forced him to effect the group dynamic in a way that neither would have hoped to ever happen.

“I’m aware that Minhyuk knows about whatever’s going on,” Hyunwoo continued. Kihyun’s eyes widened only partially, first in fear that Minhyuk had spilled his secret, before Kihyun realised that Minhyuk would never do that do him. Hyunwoo was just too inquisitive for his own good. “Whatever it is, I think before it really gets in the way, before we have a comeback scheduled and before everything gets hectic again, you and Hoseok need to sort it out. And it’s not an option Kihyun, I need you to understand that, I need you to know that you have to sort whatever this is out.”

Kihyun looked up at Hyunwoo in that moment, his lips stretched out in a thin line, the corners turned up only just, the slightest of smiles. Kihyun nodded, recognition of Hyunwoo’s request. There were no words necessary at that point. The conversation was over, no room for negotiation. Hyunwoo had given a demand, a simple request and Kihyun was determined to not let his leader down. Hyunwoo clapped Kihyun on the shoulder and gave a reassuring pat, the only affection that was needed in that moment.

“I hate seeing you both like this you know.”

“I know, I’ll figure it out, don’t worry.” Kihyun supplied. Hyunwoo scoffed, head tipping back ever so slightly, a laugh escaping his lips.

“Don’t worry? It’s my job to worry Kihyun.”

“I know and I’ll sort it out, I swear. For the group.” Kihyun was determined and he was sure that Hyunwoo could feel that he was being genuine. With a final reassuring pat to the shoulder, Hyunwoo raised himself from the sofa and moved on to his bedroom. Kihyun remained seated, taking in the words of his leader.

The sun had begun to set and a golden light streamed into room through the curtain at the window. Light hitting only a few objects that were littered about the room, a long beam, dust floating around inside visible. Kihyun knew that he had to fix what he’d broken but in reality, he knew that he wasn’t strong enough to face his feelings quite yet. Kihyun sighed, rubbed his hands over his face and rose to his feet. Kihyun was going to fix things, whether it killed him or not.

Much of the same continued in the following days. Hoseok avoided Kihyun at all costs whereas Kihyun, upon the request of his leader, took it upon himself to try and close the gap that had grown between the two. Kihyun made a point of stepping closer to the elder in any situation that required the two to be in the same room. Kihyun would step into rooms that he knew Hoseok was in, refusing to leave, until Hoseok would huff in frustration and leave himself. Kihyun could see that it was beginning to frustrate Hoseok who’s attempts at avoiding Kihyun were being foiled. The distance between the two still remained however and it was going to take a lot more than being in the same room to fix what had been broken. The awkwardness between the two still palpable. It was a matter of starting from zero. An uphill battle that Kihyun was determined to win. The distance was starting to take its toll however and it broke Kihyun’s heart more than his forbidden feelings for the elder, just knowing that Hoseok thought Kihyun hated him.

Kihyun was beginning to get a glimpse of what life without Hoseok might be like, an outcome he feared would be a product of him revealing his feelings, not trying to deal with them. More often than not, Kihyun would find himself in Minhyuk’s arms, crying, sobbing, wishing for things to go back to normal between him and Hoseok. Minhyuk would rub his back, trying to calm Kihyun, whispering softly that things will all work out in the end. Kihyun tried to believe Minhyuk’s words, he did, but day by day, his faith weakened. It was not until Kihyun found himself in the living room, scrolling through the groups mentions on twitter that he saw a glimmer of hope, a means to fixing his relationship with Hoseok.

Kihyun was sat on their sofa, legs stretched to cover its entire length. His phone was in his hands, open on twitter, various comments in all caps littered the screen. The back of his phone was heated slightly, somewhat from his sticky palms, mostly from the stifling temperature of the room. Open windows did nothing to ease the heat of the day. The last days of summer lingered, still hot enough for shorts but late enough in the year that Autumn could definitely be said to be in its approach.

Kihyun was dressed in a pair of basketball shorts, just big enough that they seemed to swallow his small legs, the material thin enough that he could survive the heat of the day comfortably. His t-shirt on the other hand was just slightly too thick in it’s material, such that Kihyun was starting to feel uncomfortably warm. Kihyun had begun to contemplate taking off his shirt and sitting shirtless on the sofa when he heard the familiar sound of a click in the lock, keys rattling outside the front door. While it was commonplace for the members to frequent the apartment in limited clothing, Kihyun being shirtless would not have been something out of the ordinary. However, Kihyun chose to leave his shirt on, deciding that he was fine with suffering the heat for a little longer, not wanting to be caught in the process of removing clothes as the door was being opened.

Kihyun could hear the moment that the door opened and somebody shuffled into the apartment. The sound of them placing bags on the floor and removing their shoes could be heard. Kihyun didn’t look up from his phone however, opting to continue scrolling through his phone, chuckling slightly at the memes in the replies of the groups most recent twitter post. The sound of bags being picked up and shuffling toward the kitchen is what made Kihyun decide to speak.

“You better have bought us something tasty.” Kihyun said, eyes not moving from his phone. A second of silence followed, before a soft “hmm” could be heard from the direction of the kitchen. Kihyun took his eyes off his phone then, choosing to look toward the direction of the hum, about to give an earful to the person who had chosen to reply simply with a hum. Kihyun was met with soft brown eyes and a pair of lips that were turned down, a sad smile. Hoseok stood behind the kitchen counter and began to unpack the bag of groceries, placing them all on the counter, splitting the items between fridge and freezer goods.

Hoseok was wearing a tank top, clearly as a means to combat the heat of the day, and a black cap that made his ears stick even further out from his head. Kihyun couldn’t help himself but to look at the thickness of his arms as Hoseok moved items out of the shopping bag, the way his biceps flexed and relaxed with each movement. Hoseok had been spending a lot of his time at the gym in recent weeks, a ploy to avoid Kihyun but the results were obvious. The veins on his arms protruding in an indescribably attractive way. Kihyun knew it was dangerous to look at Hoseok like that, but he couldn’t find it in himself to turn away, his gaze transfixed on the elder. His reverie was broken when his phone, which had been forgotten in his hands, began to ring it’s obnoxiously loud tune. Kihyun noted his managers name lighting up the home screen and answered the call.

“We need you to come down to the company studio as soon as possible.” Could be heard from his manager, voice calm, ringing out as soon as Kihyun answered the call. Kihyun took this as a good sign, he wasn’t in trouble for anything. His manager has picked up a horrible habit of foregoing pleasantries when making phone calls, but the tone of his voice was enough to decipher whether Kihyun should be worried by a sudden call or not.

“Alright. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Kihyun moved to remove himself from the sofa, his bare legs peeling from where he’d been sat for a while and the sweat had accumulated. In the corner of his eye, Kihyun could see Hoseok’s eyes on him, a hint of curiosity about him before he quickly looked away to where, in the next second, Hoseok’s phone also began to ring. Kihyun was almost out of the room when he could hear Hoseok’s faint “okay” from his location in the kitchen. Kihyun payed it no mind however and moved to the bathroom to quickly shower, to wash away the moisture that had amassed while Kihyun had sat in the stuffy living room.

In no time, Kihyun had showered, changed and left the groups apartment to make his way to the company building. As Kihyun hopped in a cab, he thought back to the moment that he and Hoseok had just exchanged. They had both been in the vicinity of one another and had made no move to change that fact. It was process, Kihyun thought. One step closer to repairing his broken friendship. The silence in the taxi was beginning to deafen Kihyun, his thoughts consumed only by the image of Hoseok, stood in the kitchen, arms on full display, making Kihyun drool. Thoughts of what Kihyun would do, if only to be enveloped by those arms, to be embraced by Hoseok. Kihyun knew entertaining his thoughts was a dangerous game, but sat in the back of a cab, alone, Kihyun allowed himself just that moment to think, what if?

When Kihyun stepped out of the cab, he was met with a cooling breeze. The heat of the day still present in the air but the breeze just strong enough that the environment was no longer a sweltering, uncomfortable warmth. Kihyun ascended the familiar flights of stairs, leading him in the direction of the studio. By this point, Kihyun really didn’t even have to look where he was going, so used to this particular journey to the studio that it had become second nature to Kihyun. In no time at all, Kihyun had reached the studio door, he quickly typed in the password and entered without a seconds thought. Sitting in the room, which was dimly lit, a single small window the only source of natural light, was the familiar face of the groups’ manager, and a long-time producer friend of the group. The room was plunged in a yellowy glow however, the light of the day having faded into black and the only source of light being a spotlight on the ceiling. The studio’s sofa was left unoccupied, his manager and the producer, sitting in two rotating chairs at the desk that was littered with recording equipment, and as a result, that was where Kihyun decided to place himself.

“Glad you could make it at this hour Kihyun.” His manager supplied after a beat of silence.

“Of course. I’m just curious as to what I’m doing here.” Kihyun said.

“We’ll get to that in a minute, we’re just waiting for the last person to arrive and then we will explain everything.” In that moment, the familiar beeping of someone typing in the studio password from the opposite side of the door rang through the room, a high pitched jangle coming from the door when the password had been entered correctly, a clanking sound as the door unlocked. The door opened slowly, Kihyun sat on a side of the room where the door obstructed the view of the person walking through it. Slowly but surely, the person made their way though the door, the door closing heavily behind them, a loud clang and beep as the door shut and relocked itself. When Kihyun looked up properly to inspect the person that had just walked in, he noted the familiar tank top and baseball cap from none other than the exact same person Kihyun had been thirsting over just minutes before during his taxi ride.

Hoseok stood frozen in the doorway for a moment, stood staring at Kihyun on the studio sofa, before coming back to reality, acknowledging the other people in the room. Hoseok cleared his throat and moved to sit on the sofa with Kihyun, making sure there was as much distance between the two as possible. Kihyun could feel the sofa dip as Hoseok sat, but couldn’t bring himself to look up at the elder as he did so, eyes trained on his hands, that were clenched tightly in his lap.

“I’m glad you’re both here now,” their manager spoke up, “we have an exciting opportunity to propose to the two of you.” Kihyun dared not look at Hoseok, instead he just plastered a confused look on his face and hoped he wouldn’t have to prompt the continuation of an explanation.

“Simply, we want to have unit songs on the next album and we think that you two would be a perfect combination. We’re interested to see how you two would mesh together. Your voices are both rather unique, each with their own special quality.” The producer clarified. Their manager sat with an excited look on his face, nodding along happily.

It was clear to Kihyun that while this encounter, on surface level looked like a request, something that Kihyun or Hoseok could refuse, he knew deep down that this was already rather set in stone, that to say no would be to go against the companies wishes, something that he would be highly advised against. Kihyun knew what this would entail, long periods of time spent together in a small studio space, the possibility of late nights, all spent with Hoseok. Kihyun knew that it would be dangerous for him, that such close proximity could result in disaster, but he also knew that this was ample opportunity to fix the friendship Kihyun and his feelings had ruined in the first place. If forced closeness was the only way that Kihyun was going to get through to Hoseok, then so be it he decided.

A soft smile formed on Kihyun’s lips and he started to nod enthusiastically. He turned to Hoseok only slightly, to gage his reaction. Hoseok’s brows were furrowed, a slightly bewildered look on his face, he clearly felt blindsided. Kihyun continued to nod when he said, “I agree. I think this will be great.”

“Fantastic. Realistically, we want to leave as much of the creative process up to you. Hoseok we know that you have some unused demos, so maybe you could start there, bounce some ideas off each other. If you need any help with anything however, you know where to find me.” Their producer made clear.

“Ideally, we’d also like the song finished within about a month, so you might have to put in some long shifts. But, I don’t doubt you two will be able to do it. I know you’re both fully capable.” Their manager added. With that, it was clear that the two were being dismissed, no room for further discussion, no place to argue, the decision already made.

Hoseok was on his feet first, he gave a small nod to their manager and moved out of the room in quick movements. Kihyun quickly followed, determined not to let Hoseok leave without him.

“Hoseok, wait! Please.” Kihyun called out, walking briskly to catch up to where Hoseok had then stopped. Hoseok turned on his heels, a sudden movement that Kihyun hadn’t quite expected. They were stood close to one another now, Kihyun looking up at the elders face. Features up close and prominent, flawless, Kihyun thought.

“I wont make this any harder for you than it has to be. You only really have to record vocals for me, you don’t have to get too involved. I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Hoseok said. He looked down at Kihyun, a defeated look on his face. In the next moment, Hoseok had turned on his heels again, continuing to walk along the empty hallway.

“Hoseok wait,” Kihyun jogged up to Hoseok, reaching for his arm to stop any further movement. “I’m not going to be uncomfortable. I want to work on this together, I want to be involved.” Kihyun gave a pleading smile, hoping that he didn’t have to say anymore. Kihyun’s fingers burned where they were wrapped around Hoseok’s bicep, he chose to ignore it.

Hoseok gave a deep sigh, his chest rose and fell.

“Ok.” The word formed after a beat of silence. Kihyun breathed a sigh of relief he didn’t know he was even holding in. It wasn’t much, but it was one step closer to fixing what Kihyun had broken.

Kihyun was sat upon his bed, Minhyuk stretched out across his thighs, a laptop in front of them playing a film neither of the two was really interested in.

“We have to do a song together.” Kihyun piped up, the film so boring he couldn’t bear the sound of it anymore. Minhyuk shifted on his lap, turning his body so that he was no longer facing the laptop but staring up at Kihyun’s face, dowsed in shadow, the only thing illuminating him, the changing scenes of the film, blue and purple hues flickering across his features.

“So I heard. Hoseok was talking to Hyungwon about it, didn’t quite catch what they were saying though.” Minhyuk honed in on Kihyun’s face, taking in his reaction. Kihyun hummed, thoughts forming on the tip of his tongue.

“Hyunwoo sat me down the other day, told me I had to fix things, so it dawned on me that this would be the perfect opportunity to do just that. But he didn’t want anything to do with me Minhyuk, told me that I only had to have limited input. He said he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable.” Kihyun sighed in defeat.

The idea that Hoseok made him uncomfortable was furthest from the truth. If anything, it was the opposite, Kihyun was too comfortable around Hoseok. Too enamoured by his mere presence around Kihyun. Hoseok made Kihyun feel safe, protected. Hoseok was nothing but kind to Kihyun, always offering Kihyun food when it looked like he’d skipped a few meals. Always more than happy to help Kihyun when he was struggling with choreography, running through it slowly, explaining and demonstrating in a way that only Kihyun understood.

It was insufferable, how unconditionally kind, how unquestioning Hoseok was. It made it hard not to fall for him and Kihyun was a prime example. Kihyun was so enamoured with the elder that it burned. Kihyun liked to believe that he understood a little better how the fans felt, how so close yet so far from Hoseok he truly was, made all the more worse now that Hoseok was avoiding him. And it was all Kihyun’s fault. Kihyun tried to blame Hoseok, blame him for being so easy to fall for but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. It was Kihyun’s fault through and through. If only he hadn’t felt for the elder feelings that should never have been felt for a member, if only Kihyun hadn’t gone out of his way to avoid Hoseok, avoid falling deeper and deeper. It would have all been simper that way.

But it wasn’t like that. Not in the slightest. And, no matter how hard Kihyun had tried to not feel for Hoseok, he had not succeeded.

Kihyun felt Minhyuk shift slightly underneath him, but he paid it no mind however. That was, until he felt fingers flicking his chin.

“You’re thinking too much Ki, I can hear the gears whirring in your head,” Minhyuk chuckled softly, “You didn’t ruin anything, you just didn’t know how to handle your own feelings. We’ve all been there, maybe not in the same way, but we’ve all managed to come out unscathed in the end.” Minhyuk gave Kihyun a soft look, one that didn’t seem like much but also held so much weight. Kihyun couldn’t imagine life without Minhyuk in it, he would have become so lost. He probably would have gotten in a mess so much sooner and he had no idea how to thank him.

“I just want it to go back to normal.”

“It will, you just have to put a little bit more effort in.” Minhyuk encouraged. He didn’t continue further, he knew Kihyun didn’t need to hear anymore.

Minhyuk manoeuvred in Kihyun’s lap again until he was facing the laptop screen, the movie that had been playing out the entire time, drawing to a close.

Minhyuk could understand Kihyun’s feelings, not necessarily because he too had experienced them, but because he had been through this all before with another person. The terrifying feeling of feeling something that maybe you shouldn’t. it was all somewhat ironic, but Minhyuk was determined to not let it eat Kihyun alive. It was the least he could do. Minhyuk could see just how taken Kihyun was too, the way that Kihyun’s gaze often lingered on the elder member. The way the softest of smiles would grace Kihyun’s face every time Hoseok so much as laughed, the way Kihyun would laugh at Hoseok’s jokes regardless of how terrible they were. It was obvious to anyone who knew what signs to look for just how enamoured Kihyun was. And yet, Minhyuk could also see the pain behind Kihyun’s eyes when he looked at Hoseok, that look of longing, the look of knowing you could never have what you desired that much. As such, Minhyuk was all the more determined to let Kihyun know that he had a friend in all this, that Minhyuk would be there for him always.

The movie finally faded out in front of them, the final credits rolling, the screen turning completely black. The room was filled only with the sound of breathing and the soft, subtle shuffling of sheets.

“You wanna watch another one?” Minhyuk asked, voice quiet, just above a whisper. Kihyun simply hummed in response, already moving to click through the options on Netflix. Kihyun blindly clicked and the next film was queued up, ready to begin. Both knew that neither would really pay attention to the film anyway, the likelihood of them falling asleep high. Kihyun was exhausted, his whirring thoughts tiring him out. Kihyun wished there was a switch he could flip to turn off the constant barrage of thoughts about Hoseok in his brain, but no such thing existed and he was forced to accept the elder running around his brain at a constant and unforgiving pace.

Minhyuk snuggled closer into Kihyun’s figure, Kihyun’s fingers moving up to card through Minhyuk’s hair. A contented hum escaping Minhyuk’s lips as Kihyun did so.

“I’ll always be here for you Ki. I’m not going anywhere.” Minhyuk whispered, barely audible above the noise of the films opening credits.

“I know Min, thank you.” Kihyun responded softly. Few words were needed, Minhyuk knew the sentiment was reciprocated and Kihyun knew just how much Minhyuk meant when he spoke them. The two knew just how much their friendship meant to each other, a feeling that went beyond words, an understanding.

It wasn’t long until the two had fallen into a slumber, soft snores coming from the both of them. The film still played out in front of them, the light of the computer illuminating both of their faces. Minhyuk was still curled up in Kihyun’s lap, face pressed into his thigh. Kihyun had slouched forward slightly in his sleep, hand still in Minhyuk’s hair. To an outsider, they looked content. And that’s exactly what Hoseok saw when he passed the room on the way to his own. He noted the slightly open door, the soft light streaming through the crack, the faint sound of muffled audio. Hoseok tried to not be curious, tried not to let into his temptation to see what was happening behind the door but he was but a human and the curiosity got the better of him.

Hoseok held onto the door and peeked his head around it, to get a good look at what was happening. What he saw was Minhyuk curled up, head buried deep in Kihyun’s thighs with Kihyun’s hand in his hair. Hoseok saw the way that Kihyun was bent, having fallen asleep in his sitting position and tipping over slightly. Hoseok couldn’t see Minhyuk’s face but he could tell that he looked as he always did in slumber, content, happy. Hoseok could see Kihyun’s face however, the way it was lit only just by the movie that had been forgotten playing out in front of them. Hoseok couldn’t help but think that Kihyun looked serene like this. It was frustrating to Hoseok that, even in sleep, he still thought that Kihyun looked handsome.

In the weeks that had followed Hoseok avoiding Kihyun, the elder had few opportunities to look at Kihyun. It was in this moment, after weeks of not looking at him at all, that Hoseok really looked at Kihyun. Hoseok noted the bags under Kihyun’s eyes, caused by either lack of sleep or stress, or both. Despite looking beautiful in sleep, Hoseok could still note a sense of pain running throughout Kihyun’s face. Hoseok chose not to dwell on it, moving away from the door as quickly as possible, determined to not be drawn to the younger for any longer. Hoseok retreated to his bedroom, and chose to ignore the slight clench in his chest he felt upon seeing Kihyun and Minhyuk in such an intimate predicament.

The first day that Kihyun found himself alone in the studio with Hoseok, the tension that enveloped the room was almost tangible. As the door opened at a snail’s pace, Hoseok physically tensed, the anticipation of Kihyun’s arrival sending nerves jolting through his body. He couldn’t explain it, why Hoseok’s body had such a reaction to the simple sound of a door creaking open, why the knowledge that he and Kihyun were about to spend time, alone, together made him fill with nerves.

When Kihyun finally opened the door to it’s fullest he took a cautious step before he felt himself half falling into the room, not noticing the mat on the inside of the door. He had almost tripped on one of its corners, upturned at an awkward height and had threatened to spill the contents of the two coffee cups he was holding. Despite Kihyun’s fumbling, Hoseok dared not look up from the computer at his desk where he had been clicking through sources. A part of him new that he was being stubborn, that considering the circumstances, it was no longer viable to go about his avoiding of Kihyun but Hoseok was determined that he would be the last to break.

Kihyun knew the cards were all in his hand, that it was his move next. Hoseok was avoiding Kihyun because he thought Kihyun hated him, and as such it was up to Kihyun and Kihyun alone to make the first move. To show Hoseok that it wasn’t like that at all, that Kihyun couldn’t be further from hating him. It was why, when Kihyun stumbled through the studio door he held two coffee cups in his hands. After regaining his balance, Kihyun moved toward the desk that Hoseok was sat at, and placed a single cup next to Hoseok’s hand, that held a firm grasp on the computer mouse. Hoseok flinched slightly at the sound of the cup being placed on the desk, only turning slightly to eye the cup that had been put next to him. Written on the cup where the familiar letters of Hoseok’s typical Starbucks order, steam rising slightly out of the small hole in the lid. Hoseok looked up at Kihyun then, his lips pressed together and he nodded, a small sign of thanks. Kihyun didn’t need to say anything in response, simply he moved to the sofa in the studio and sat, taking a sip from the tea he had ordered for himself.

Kihyun cleared his throat after taking a small glug of the piping liquid, knowing that he would have to be the first of them to break the silence.

“So, any thoughts on how we should proceed?” Awkwardness tumbled out of Kihyun’s mouth, gawkiness constantly on the tip of his tongue. Hoseok stopped clicking through things on his computer, the black chair he was sat in began to swivel and soon Kihyun and Hoseok were face to face, eyes boring into each other. Hoseok cleared his throat slightly before he spoke.

“Uh, I have a demo I thought that we could use that might be good.” Hoseok spoke up, eyes moving away from Kihyun’s face, instead going to focus on the coffee cup that was sat on his desk. Hoseok picked it up and moved it to his lips, tipping it to take a sip. Kihyun tried to not be transfixed by the elders pouting lips but instead looked down at his hands that were wrapped firmly around his tea.

“Yeah, lets have a listen to it and then we can figure stuff out from there.” Kihyun supplied. Hoseok hummed in response, lips still attached to the coffee cup. Hoseok rotated in his chair again, cup placed back on the desk and moved to click through the computer screen again. After several audible clicks, sounds began to fill the studio.

The instrumental started up softly, tinkling sounds heard faintly in the background. The music that poured out of the speakers seemed melancholic, almost bittersweet but with a sense of hope to it. A soft humming could then be heard, Kihyun recognised it as Hoseok, mapping out the melody. The chorus seemed deeper however, a heavier base seeping through but not drowning out the softness of the melody. The song never seemed to reach a climax however, the chorus only continuing the melancholy of the verse. It wasn’t until the final moments of the song that a climax seemed to be reached, although, it never ended, leaving only ambiguity in it’s wake. It was the perfect song, everything that Kihyun wished he could create, but didn’t have the sheer talent to. It was something only Hoseok could manage to conjure. Pure, yet heavy. Sweet, yet sad.

Silence enveloped the room again before Hoseok cleared his throat. “I don’t have any lyrics for it just yet, but I suppose we could work on that together. Unless you don’t want to use this demo then we can do something else.”

Before Hoseok could even continue his train of thought Kihyun stopped him, “No! This is perfect. The demo is perfect.”

A soft blush painted Hoseok’s cheeks at Kihyun’s compliment, he couldn’t place why his face was beginning to warm, effected by Kihyun’s words. The room was still awkward but it was suddenly charged with a new feeling, both the men in the room suddenly determined to make an incredible song, determined to work together.

“Okay. Well I think it would be best to brainstorm topics, and lyrics can form naturally like that,” Hoseok instructed. Hoseok swivelled in his chair again, back to facing the computer and clicked a few buttons, in seconds the room was filled with the sounds of the demo once more. Kihyun noted that the song was now placed on a continuous loop. “I like working while I can still hear the song, I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, I can work like that too.”

The two sat in the studio in silence after that, letting the sound of the demo take over them. Kihyun focused on the sadness of the melody, thinking only of his feelings for Hoseok and how he ruined their relationship. It was in that moment that Kihyun realised that this project could be the perfect outlet for his feelings. Lyrics began flying through his head, lines littered with longing for Hoseok.

Kihyun reached for a pen and the notepad that he could see on Hoseok’s desk, flipped to a random page and began scribbling; words, lines left ambiguous enough that Hoseok, or anyone for that matter, wouldn’t be able to tell who they were about. Hoseok eyed Kihyun, curious as to where the sudden inspiration had come from. He watched as Kihyun scribbled furiously on the paper in his lap. It was then that Hoseok’s own inspiration hit.

Hoseok took in Kihyun’s furrowed brow, a sight that often graced Kihyun’s face when he was deep in concentration. Hoseok took in the way that Kihyun worked feverishly, pen not once lifting from the page. Hoseok was entranced by the way that Kihyun was working and was determined to match his fervour. Hoseok picked up his own pen and paper. Words started to flow and soon, Hoseok’s own page was filled with his own tales of longing and hope and a heart-breaking picture of a person at an arm’s length away but forever unattainable.

And when Hoseok would show Hyungwon those very words a few hours later, and when Hyungwon would tell Hoseok that this person reminded him of Kihyun, Hoseok would vehemently deny it.

When Kihyun had initially agreed to the unit project with Hoseok, what he had failed to take into consideration was the fact that writing and composing a song was a long and tedious process. It was not to say that Kihyun wasn’t aware of the process, it’s just that he had little experience with the process from start to finish.

What Kihyun had also failed to take into consideration, was how easy it was for him and Hoseok to fall back into old habits and reconcile their relationship. After the first couple of sessions, and Kihyun always bringing Hoseok’s regular coffee order, the tension seemed to dissipate and what once was awkward silence when they worked, became comfortable. Kihyun still approached Hoseok with caution however, only moving in closer when invited, keeping at a comfortable distance. Kihyun believed that this would be the best way to try and mend their friendship, and for the most part, it seemed to be the case. Hoseok exchanged soft smiles with the younger whenever they came up with a good idea for a particular beat of the song, or a change in the lyrics to convey their theme better. Not only this, but Hoseok seemed to be more comfortable in the youngers presence, unafraid to move in closer, initiate contact, engage in banter.

It was one particular evening when Kihyun noted this particular shift that occurred in their relationship for the better. Kihyun had his legs stretched across the sofa at the back of the studio and was softly humming the melody of their song, notepad positioned in his lap, reading over the lyrics he had already written, pen positioned in hand to make adjustments.

Hoseok, like usual, was sat at his desk, hunched slightly over his keyboard, and clicking through sections of the song, refining sounds, making sure each bit fit perfectly with the next. Countless styrofoam cups were left abandoned to the side, all with varying amounts of liquid left in them, coffee disregarded and forgotten, turned icy cold. If anything, it was a testament to how long the two had spent cramped up in the small studio, endless hours spent trying to make their song perfect, and it was far from done.

The room was filled with artificial light, a soft yellow glow filling each corner. It was late into the evening, and the two had forgone food for quite some time. A yawn escaped Hoseok’s lips and soon Kihyun followed in suit, a full-body yawn that saw his body stretching and readjusting itself after having spent so long in one position. Hoseok giggled at the way Kihyun had yawned almost immediately after him before realising his mistake and bringing his mouth back into a pout to focus on the work in front of him.

He couldn’t concentrate however, the tiredness of the day finally catching up and making his body lull. Exhaustion filled his body and soon, his stomach was growling, a low and rumbling sound, it echoed throughout the room. With a huff, Hoseok turned in his chair and faced Kihyun, now too out of it to even consider getting back to his work. He looked down at the way Kihyun was laying on the sofa, legs stretched and on arm resting behind his head.

Hoseok was the one to decide to break the silence.

“We should probably order some food.” Kihyun startled slightly at the sudden noise. He rose his head and found Hoseok’s eyes boring into him.

Kihyun stretched his body once more, removed his arm from the back of his head and moved to a more seated position. His stomach in that moment decided to growl loudly.

“Yeah we probably should,” Kihyun laughed out, “I didn’t really realise how hungry I was until just now.”

“What kinda food do you want?” Hoseok asked. Kihyun furrowed his brows in thought.

“I don’t know about you, but beer and chicken sounds really good right about now.” As if to attest to what Kihyun was saying, his stomach growled once more, the rumble low and loud.

“That does sound really good. I’ll go order some. There should be some beers in the fridge at the back,” Hoseok giggled out as Kihyun raised a questioning eyebrow, “don’t ask, sometimes you just need it after a day cooped up in here.”

Kihyun couldn’t find it in him to disagree.

In that moment, Hoseok rose from his chair and slunk out of the studio, phone readied in hand, a phone number all ready and waiting on the screen. Kihyun could hear Hoseok’s voice talking into the phone from outside the door, where it had been left slightly ajar.

A part of Kihyun was so relieved to even be able to hear Hoseok speak. It had been so long since they’d had a proper conversation and apart from the times Kihyun could hear Hoseok’s soft singing or humming along to the melody of their song, Kihyun had gone what seemed like forever without hearing Hoseok actually speak.

As Kihyun was stuck in his stupor, Hoseok snuck back into the room, the door shutting softly behind him.

“They said they’ll be here in about ten minutes.” Hoseok supplied, sitting back in the chair at his desk.

“I don’t know if my stomach can wait that long.” Kihyun laughed, rubbing his belly as if to ease the noises it was filling the room with. Hoseok giggled along, amused at Kihyun’s vocal stomach.

Hoseok picked up his phone then, ready to scroll through pages of social media posts he didn’t really care for. He noted the lack of messages in the group chat, before remembering that other than he and Kihyun, the others had an off day today, set to start working on their songs at some other point in the week.

From the corner of his eye, Hoseok could see that Kihyun had also picked up his phone, fingers moving deftly across the screen, writing out messages with speed. Hoseok was curious as to what Kihyun could be writing out that required such speed, but was broken from his thoughts as his own phone vibrated in his hands.

“Ah, foods here.” Hoseok said before standing up and swiftly leaving the studio.


End file.
